I have always thought myself to be special, a little bit extrodinary. Recently I've begun to second guess myself. Mondays are the worst for me. After spending the weekend with people that I love and trust I get really anxious to go to work. I feel like my co-workers know that I'm a victim of a terrible crime, like its written on my foreheard. They will judge me and think I am meak and self-loathing. I become terrified, I can't handle the exposure. I want to stay home in bed away from everyone, and sometimes I do. I don't want to talk to people who may judge me. My mom and sister call and I excuse myself promptly, mostly because I want to talk to them about it but don't know if they will be supportive. They say I will get worse before I get better, I am still getting worse?

I have a very distinct morning routine. I wake up, eat my cereal with banana. I cuddle up on the left side of my couch and eat my cereal. What has been inconsistent is my morning entertainment routine. Back in Calgary it was the radio which offered a combination of music and hilarious news. This was a wonderful way to get me going in the morning, but not very efficient. I would have to listen for 15 min just to hear a little quip about the local events. Now that I live with a man who loves his morning sleep ins - who could blame him - I'm not in a position to listen to the radio for that long. Back in March I would watch the basketball highlights but during the offseason I've been trying to get my morning jolt from morning news. Have you ever watched a morning news show? They are all terrible. I have only had the patience to commit to three different shows only to be dissapointed each time.

1) Breakfast Television
I have been a big breakfast television fan since first year. Kevin and Liza (now Dena) are a hilarious couple, however they cover a lot of Toronto traffic - although Micah's a babe so I don't mind. Live-eye is usually entertaining, however Jennifer Valentine is completely self-absorbed. I really enjoy the extra time they spent with their newest weather guy, Kevin Frankish. However this summer when the trio took thier vacation the worst morning personality was called in, Tracy. Tracy has a fantastic news voice, terrible in conversation. It got to the point where I actually wrote in to BT to share how much Tracy infuriated. After this I felt a huge remorse and decided to switch my morning show before I did something drastic and embarassing.

2) A-Channel Morning
This was a short lived program in my daily routine. I want to like A-Channel as it's local and I'm all about that. The problem with local news in a small city, no talent. The two hosts are SO irritating I think about stopping by the market (where they film) and offer to take the job. They are not smart witty or hilarious, and most recently there wardrobe has been repulsive. I wonder if they dress themselves. The news guy is awesome though. He has some serious class and respect for the news profession. The biggest reason I no longer watch A-Channel's morning show is because it doesn't even start until 7:00! Way too late for me.

3) Canada AM
awful, unprofessional, inappropriate with news I could get from watching ANY OTHER AMERICAN NEWS BROADCAST. The other week they were talking about Britney Spears. I turned it off and left for work early. Give me some time to update this post later this week and I will elaborate...

It took all my strength to come into work this morning. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. When it gets to me I should deal with it and stay home curled up, or push it aside and go on with my life. Being victimized it was bothers me the most.
Coming to work this morning it what caused my apprehensions. I'm afraid of being victimized at work today - a practice that is becoming more common.

I want to go home.

I am furious this morning.

Last night I got my hair highlighted and it was a total disaster. The hairdresser described one thing the and end result was another. Being a red-head this is far more devastating than a regular bad hair dye job. I am totally embarrassed with the trashy red and white highlights he gave me. So embarrassed that I wore my hair in a ponytail today - which I never do - to hide the hideous colours. My hair looked better before I went into the salon last night. Every time I get a whiff of the lingering ammonia I become instantly fumed. I was going to stay home from work today, but decided against it. Oh, did I mention I think I was glutened yesterday?

Yesterday I cleaned the apartment, did a ton of laundry, and went to Forest to visit my parents, and still had plenty of time to hang out with Curtis. What a wonderful day. I believe every weekend should be a long weekend.

Today we had a staff meeting where lunch was provided, Subway sandwiches. It was a nice change from the popular little ceaser's pizza. I have a 'wheat allergy', as it is best explained. When the office orders in lunch that I can not eat it makes me feel like an outcast. I feel alienated from the group and it really hurts my feelings. I feel that when you provide lunch for the office you should ensure all persons are able to eat the food provided. Is this reasonable? I have mentioned my special diet to the office administrator before and she has been unresponsive. Should I expect my workplace to acknowledge my food restrictions and provide me with a lunch I can eat?

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm faced with it every day. I wonder if in a different profession there is more respect for your peers.

I'm in a tough industry and it's not a good fit. I like to do nice things for the people around me and trust they will do the same. Here you need to look out for #1. It tests me. It makes me feel selfish and very uncomfortable. I should not have to carry guilt about the characteristics I need to be successful. Where are all the giving engineers?

Yesterday was the best day ever. Although I have a feeling Thursday is going to top it.

As requested:

Being gluten-free is working out wonderfully for me. Depression is a side-effect of 'being glutened' and I've been suffering for a long time. I am finally starting to feel more like myself. I've been struggling with stomach problems for about 4 years and finally I've figured it out. My life without gluten is consistent and under control. I was able to go out in the field today and have energy the whole day, not become a zombie after lunch struggling to concentrate. Thursday I suspected would be better (and it was) because Curtis and I have a date, and I love Curtis.