I can't believe it. I went to the optometrist today to adopt another pair of my 'signature' red-frames. They don't carry them anymore. Those frames were a part of me! I looked at a few pairs while I was there to see if I could find anything of equivalence and decided that this might be a good thing. I feel that I need a second opinion so I came home and decided to take my mom or sister back with me. I walked into the house and saw my broken frames on the counter. I went into the bathroom to prove to myself that I have been hiding behind those frames for the past two years and that new frames would allow me to express myself in different ways. I went to the bathroom and tried them on. It was then that I realised that without those frames I'm not Anna, but Anna Willemse. I dont' like it. I want them back. I can't glue them because part of the frame cracked off as well. It's over, and I feel like I am to.

I'm home, finally. I hate it. It's not that I hate being around my family, but all they do is sleep all day! So not only am I not entertained, I have to be quiet! I can't wait to start work on friday.

have you ever been drunk at 1:30 in the afternoon? Just curious. It's going to be a long day!

Anna: Yeah, I think that Janice and I are going to be really lonely next year, we'll probably go out a bunch.
Mom: Yeah, and you too will fight sometimes.
Anna: No, I don't think so, Janice doesn't fight, and she avoids confrontation at all costs.
Mom: Oh, that will be good because she has to live with 'Rollercoaster Anna'.
Anna: WHAT! I AM NOT A ROLLERCOASTER! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!
Mom: snicker, sure Anna.

I think that a major part of growing up showed be contributed to social learning. I feel that you should not talk all the time, you should not have an opinion about everything and even if you do you shouldn't always express it. Sometimes you have to sit back at watch the people that you interact with have a conversation without you. Try it. You'll begin to notice the people that try to better themselves by picking up on others positive traits and those who try to better themselves by expressing themselves, verbally, all the time.
I'm guilty. I develop opinions while trying to express them, but I'm not ignorant to my flaws. I'm sure that there are many more that I have but I'll find them. I'll find them because I'm looking for them and that's going to make me a better person.

What do you think? it's not far from my natural colour, really.

And I am definitely going to miss staying up till three in the morning when you showed be studying because you're talking to your roomate about something that you can't talk to with ANY of your other friends.

I also love Dashboard Confessionals, regardless of how guilty it makes me feel. They are great.

I started doing it tonight. I started packing to send things home. Unlike some university students, I am not ready to leave. I have made a home for myself in this little 10x20 foot room. This is my bed, my desk, my closet, my view. I'm not ready to give it up. But it's more than the physical things. I am going to miss my roomates to death. I am going to miss the random visits at all hours of the day. I am going to miss the racial jokes and ass slapping. Mostly I'm going to miss the honesty. These girls know exactly what's going on in my head, at all times. Sometimes they laugh, but they never judge. I am going to miss my girls the most. I don't want to leave home.

These past few weeks have been very stressful and have taken a slight tole on my already unstable self. I have become very homesick. Whenever my parents and sister visit, or talking to my mom on the phone, I end the encounter with tears. I don't let them know. I'm strong, tough, and value my independence. Being homesick is understandable, everyone is homesick at one point. But there is something else that I miss about my past life, music. I am a musician at heart. I love contributing to magnificent fanfares, or screwing up the counting in Jazz songs. I miss band. I miss performing. Heck, I even miss practice. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the desire to pick up my trumpet. I have no confidence as a player and only feel comfortable when accompanied by a few dozen other instruments. Beyond that, I need to play, I need to relax, I need to jam.

My Stress Level reacts very simularly to the of the Force of Friction where Mu(µ) is the amount that I worry, the Normal Force (N) is the amount of work I have, and the Applied Force varies inversely with the amount of time I have.

Confused? Do yourself a favour and stop reading now (I am relating my stress level to concepts learnt in physics)

Just like the Friction curve, it start as 0. I have a lot of work to do, but that doesn't effect my stress level. When I feel that I'm running out of time the amount I worry, and therefore my stress, slowley increase linearly. This will continue until the amount of time I have left becomes small enought that I reach my maximum worry level, µs. Also at this time I am at my maximum stress level, since stress is calculated by the amount I worry x the amount of work I have.
I then I realise that I have become 'edgey' and give in to the pressure. I immediately worry less, µk, about what I have to do even though the amount is the same, and the time continues to decrease. This causes my whole stress level to go down and remain relatively constant. I am still worried, a little tense, but I just go with the flow and allow fate to have her way with me.

"you don't take shit from anybody!" Did you see that Bill? Now stop asking!

You don't really appreciate post-exam sex until you don't have it.

I am SO busy right now! If anyone cares, please pray for me. (Except Aaron you satan worshiper) I am motivated by external stimuli when it comes to food. I am so buzy right now that I forgot the I was eating a yogurt! Did you know that obese people are suseptable to external stimuli as well? That's it. I'm doomed to be a fatty that sleeps 10 hours everynight. I will never marry since I have no confidence in my innner self, and even if I do marry it will end in a messy divorce. I will then find all satisfication in my work, because when you're 350lbs and have low self-esteem sex is out of the question, and become engorged in the chemical make up of the human DNA.

I will be shunned from my family, my mother has a problem with large people, I will move to Texas to work for the Human Genone Project. When I'm not sleeping or working I'll watch the Home Shopping Network and purchase usless products (except the Thunder Stick, that will be my only useful purchase) with my accumulated funds.

Occasionally, I feel like a real human being and attempt to meet someone over the internet by sending them pictures of my teenage years. I'll fall deeply in love with this person that I don't even know and declare him/her my soul mate. It will most likely be a man because I'll be too insecure to admit my homosexuality. Also, my drive to fit in to society will be so large it will have to be a man so that my mother will start talking to me again. After months of chatting, maybe a phone call, and most likely cybersex or phonesex because this is the man's only motivation to keep talking to me, I'll decided to pay for this man's flight to visit my at my 26th floor mouth-ball apartment. Upon meeting me this man will be so enraged about my physical appearence he'll become violent and beat me maliciously, steal all the valuable HSN articles out of my home, and flee. Leaving me, an immobile beaten pulp, on the living room floor moaning for help. I will die there alone, overwieght, undersatisfied, worthless.

My parents will hear about my death in a letter. They will also inherit everything that I owned because I will have no kin. With this money they might pay to fly my body back to Canada, or just go on vacation down south every winter. They will eventually stop in Texas to visit my grave once. I won't have a grave stone because my grave will never be visited again.


My Calculus exam is in 7 hours.

My roomates are all gone.
"Oh Lord, give me the strength to stay awake. I've already had a nap."
~~~ ~~
Okay okay, you caught me, I've already have two naps.
Yes God, I know that I slept a lot today.
What? No, No! No I haven't been sleeping to often!
What? you're not going to help me? Why not?
That's absurd! What on earth are you talking about? I've never had pre-martial sex!
No really! I haven't
Oh, you saw...... umm... but it was hot right? Hotter than most people, shouldn't that count for something?
oh, so that's not a good thing. Alright then... Well I didn't enjoy it!
oh, you say that too eh? (shit!)
No, I was just thinking that I had to take a poo.
[silence]
Let's just forget about all this. It was only one sin, you're a forgiver right? Besides I'm over sex, a thing of the past
No! I'm not thinking about sex right now!
Right, I forgot about that mindreading thing...
Well I guess this is goodnight then"
------------------------------------------------
"Oh Satan, give me the strength..........

I love the smell of spring. More specifically I love the smell of rain. The smell wet grass the morning after a thunderstorm or an afternoon shower is so refreshing. I also find thunderstorms to be increadably sexy. Pouring rain, loud crashes followed by bright flashes of light in the pitch black sky. I don't know why I find it so romantic, maybe because it's dramatic. In my definition, drama is romance. I feel in extreames. For me, raw emotion, pure love, pure hate, that's romance. That's where you can truly be expressed.

I once had a fight in the rain with someone I love. I have had many emotional encounters with this individual, but that one fight will always stick out. The sound of the pain, desperation, and love in his voice accompanied by the rain pounding on the sidewalk. His face was drenched and he didn't care. All that mattered to him was whether I believed him or not. I guess that it was like pathetic fallacy, I'm not sure. I'm not an english buff, obviously. Just everything about the whole situation was so dramatic, like a scene directly out of a movie. A movie with really good actors. It was amazing, dramatic, intense, our relationship summed up in a single event. Nature is amazing.

what's your battle cry?

Is this a sign? Even the internet quizes can detect that I'm a fat cow!

I don't think that I get too much sleep. I go to bed anywhere between 9:30 and 11:30 big deal. I haven't woken up before 8 in the past two weeks. It doesn't matter, so what I get 12 hours of sleep. That's normal right? That's normal when everyone else on the floor are going to bed closer to 2 or 3:30 in the morning and waking up around 7 to hit the books again. I guess this is just my way with dealing with stress, because I have a lot of stress. It's ridiculous. 6 exams in 12 days. No, that's not that big of a deal. Excpet that three of them are worth 56% of my mark each, two are 35% (just like highschool) and then Calculus has the possibility of being worth 100%. Not that anyone cares. But I would just like to re-state that I want to go home. Now.

"Wait, I'm not a dictator!" you cry! Well lets look at the check list: Unelected? Check! Use wars and xenophobia to boost popularity? Check! Total control of the media so they never say a bad word against you? Check! Kill scores of innocent people to get what you want? Check! Do anything to get your hands on oil? Check! Inhumane treatment of prisoners? Check! Face it, you're a dictator, and no amount of gloss will hide that fact… or the fact you're a borderline retard who looks like a monkey! What tin-pot dictator are you? Take the "What Dictator am I?" test at PoisonedMinds.com

I ate all day long. I am a fat cow. Moo.

Wowie! You are Velvet! Mysterious and seductive, you like being in charge and in control. You're the trendy popular goddess and you love every minute of attention that you get, baby.

I'm not sure if I've posted this before, but the decription is so fitting it doesn't hurt to post it again. I'm no too sure about the trendy popular, engineering has but certain resrtictions on my social life, but I'm sure the old me will resurface soon enough.

I had a hard time getting up this morning because I'm not accustom to the time change yet. So instead of getting up a 6:50 like I usually do, I got up a 9:20. Riiiight the time change is my problem. I WANT TO GO HOME. 18 days until freedom.

How come when I get 'shit faced' and decide to blog not only do I make typos but everything is completely incoherent? Which isn't that big of a deal "Anna, you're drunk, it's expected," or so I thought. But did you ever take a look at someone else's drunk blogs? How about Aron's blog from last night, or one of Bill's many drunk blogs. I don't even have punctuation in my blogs unless it's part of a *word*. Is it because I have minimal communication skills even before being intoxicated? Or maybe I lose all my motor skills, a different kind of drunk than the guys are experiencing? I have no idea, but either way it's embarassing reading my drunk blogs and then reading someone elses. I feel like a complete Alchi (*cough*Steph*cough*)..

cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke

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Do you know what I do all day? (I hope not) I sit on my ass, all day every day. It sucks. I sit on my ass all week. I manage to shimmy my cheeks of the chair every tuesday and thrusday morning to work out and occasionally to go out. I sit at my desk in my swivel chair and punch numbers into the calculator, all day every day. This is not something that you can do while standing up, or sitting up with no desk. In order to do this (study) you have to be sitting at a desk.

"Anna, please make sense soon, I'm getting scared. Are you sure you're all right?"
(Did I read your mind?)

Today I am having a fat day. This is something perfectly normal for someone who is self-conscious about their weight to feel. But I had a fat day yesterday, and Wednesday. After I started to think about it, I had a fat day Tuesday as well. Am I putting on weight? Is all this cheez whiz catching up with me? I can handle 7 university courses at the same time, but I can't handle gaining 10 lbs again. Let's hope for everyone's sake that it's just water retainment.

Some things are too personal to share. Even with your best freind.

These are my feet.

Well what are you waiting for? Kiss them you fools!

So all this talk about St Chris' prom has either made me feel old and jealous. Old is understandable, but jealous? I went to prom last year with the hottest date there. Not only that but I had a great time because she was my best friend. So I had a good time, but I'm obviously not a prom fan if I didn't even go out and get a date. In fact, this year I went to my residence's semi-formal and the Engineering formal with girls. (ie. don't like dates) So why am I jealous now? Even more puzzling, why am I jealous of people that are still at St Chirs?
My situation is best described by a resident of 4E in delaware hall, I am officially "Out of the loop." Whenever I want to have fun, REAL fun (none of this going to a crowded bar with hundreds of people I don't know), I go out with 'The boys'. Now all the boys talk about is going to this stupid prom and how much fun it's going to be. Which isn't that big of a deal since everyone always talks about prom. But for me, this means that the guys aren't going to do anything intensely exciting until prom is over because all of their creative energy is used up. This also means that I'm going to have to entertain myself until prom is over.

But don't worry about me, I'll make it. I'm sure that clipping your toenails everyday can become increasingly exciting over time. It's certainly better than being 'punched in the tit.'

The end is near and I couldn't be more excited. I an anticipating lazying around downstairs watching Law and Order with my mom. Or hanging out poolside with my Dad on my days off. It'll be great.

Oh yeah, and I might make it into 'the city' to hang out with my friends. But who needs friends when you have a big family and a pool?