My word of the day 'conundrum'. It really just rolls off the tongue.

Here's my impression of a baby sea lion,





gotta love Calgary weather.

These feelings re-occur once a month. Sometimes they make a quick visit inbetween. I'm fighting them, being stubborn. Why? Why can't I accept I've made a selfish error. I am throwing away the man of my dreams for something I know doesn't exist. I will not find someone whom I never argue with, who I never disagree with, who never needs me to reassure them I love them. I need to give back to a relationship. I need to be as kind to my partner as they are to me. I have made a terrible error, now I'm going to try to take the steps to correct it.

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are

You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

-Snow Patrol, "You Could Be Happy"

This last week has been the most difficult for me by far. Five months after I emotionally withdrew from the relationship I'm finally realising the permanency of my decision. I'm scared. I left something amazing, not in pursuit of something better, but for the opportunity to grow indenpendently. When I am ready to enter another serious relationship I think I'll be looking for someone very simluar to Curtis, what we had was beautiful; I was too young and immature to commit to that. It's unfortunate that I was so lucky to find Curtis at the wrong time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that people like Curtis exist. I miss him so much.

This weekend I discovered why Curtis and I were so incredible together. He is so smart. He understood what I was thinking. 'Smart' has become the #1 trait I look for in a guy, followed by funny, and nice, the original 1st and 2nd placeholders.

I want someone to hug.

I want someone to share.

I want someone to understand.

I may just be drunk right now.