Poor *innocent* victim. I know that he's telling the truth and I still don't believe it.

So my parents were going away next week and they told me that they were going away for an entire week. Now today I found out that during this time we are babysitting my little cousins and I was like "Who's going to look after them saturday?" my parents didnt' say anything so I'm assuming that they are going to be home. Seriously I am 18... I can hold down the fort.

I got my res from today. My mom called me at work to ask if she could open it for me. ESSEX HALL. soo excited.

although it's movie-in day in the sunday which would mean I will miss out on the imc concert. But I would never do that so I'm going to contact someone about moving in a day late. Eventhough I *might* miss out on some of the festivities. but probably not.

So I probably shouldn't be blogging this, but what the heck.

My co-workers are great people. Some/most of them got of my nerves and I have to take a few deep breaths and remind myslef that this job is only temporary for me, but they will be here for the rest of their lives. But there is one co-worker who is the biggest sweetheart in the entire world. She's like a big sister to me, except I can tell her anything and trust that she won't judge me or tell my parents. So today we were talking about the usual topics, one of the those being sex. Only this time the conversation was focused on myself. For the past three years of my life (when I realised that more than married couples have sex) I vowed to keep my virginity. This decision was made partially on pride, but I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. As my move in date approaches my co-workers have questioned my stubborness and day that I'll regret it when I get waaay drunk and don't even remember my first time. They think that I should do something about it. I see their point but then I would just be conforming into the rest of society and lose my virginity because *everyone else is doing it* The whole idea of not being an individual makes me sick. Although what am I waiting for? Just like the previous months when my friend and I chose not to drink for almost a year. There was no REAL reasoning behind it, people do stupid things when they are drunk. When we started drinking again it was like we never even stopped, it didn't matter. All it did was separate us from our drunken friends and we *missed out* on a few birthday experiences. It was our last year of highschool, those days can not be recreated. I'm afraid that is what I'm doing to myself. You are only 18 once. Keeping my virginity I would miss out on experiences that I can not have any other time in my life. Let's be serious. 18 is prime. ANY man of any age would do anything to be with a 18 year old. Not saying that I want to run around town picking up men of all the living generations. I just feel that I it's an experience I need to have to fully understand myself and the way I relate to others. Sex would just make the world make more sense. More sense like in Entrapy, not more sense as in piecing the puzzle together. I don't know.

And it looks like I'm rubbing off on my sister (thursday July 19)

So for the few minutes that I was home this afternoon all my little brother could talk about were the missing almonds that they bought at the price club earlier today. I thought that it was no big deal, until I came home and found a ziploc baggy FULL of CHOCOLATE covered almonds. But it doesn't really matter. Chocolate doesn't really do anything for me right now. I've already replaced it's purpose. and I just feel guilty because it's fattening.

I have so much to talk about but I just can't organise my thoughts, so I won't.

This afternoon I went to the optometrist for my contacts. He barely changed the perscription in the one eye and left the other alone. I found this to be very weird because I was having trouble focusing with my contacts while reading and playing on the computer. So I told my doctor these things, and he was like "yes, that's from your astigmatism." And just when was I going to find out about this! Like seriously Dr. Teeple. What the fuck. So I go home and my mom tells me that apparently the doctor had predicted this when I was 3, or maybe I was diagnosed. It doesn't matter, today I found out why my contacts give me headaches while reading. Which means that I can't wear them much next year because I will reading and writing all the time. Which is upsetting becasue I was babysitting today, and I left my contacts in, I had forgotten how different, but still nice, looking I am without my glasses.

So while I was babysitting I decided to watch televison. Right now we don't have tv because my mom feels that we should be spending our free time doing something productive, which is perfectly fine. So I decided to watch a movie, and family feud, anything else isn't really worth watching anyways. And it was a scary movie, I am afraid of the dark, and because of my contacts I had the lights dimmed, it was a very bad idea. I was so terrified. After the movie I cautiously walked upstairs and turned on all the lights, and still when I went downstairs it felt like someone was behind me. When watching scary movies you need someone there, even if they aren't even watching the movie, just to feel safe. So after being absolutely terrified by the film I watched more family feud to calm me down, but it just wasn't entertaining because the only thing I could think about is how many germs would be on the hosts' lips from kissing evey one of the female contestants. What a sicko. If I went on the show I would charge him for sexual harassment. So Then I was very anxious to get home and had trouble passing time. I moved the coffee table out of the way and proceded to attempt handstands in the middle of the floor. I was continuously unsuccessful because I am 18.5 and have not yet been able to successfully hold a handstand, not even in the water. Eventually I tired myself out, got very giggly and found almost anything entertaining. Fortunately they came home before I lost my mind.

And I am always very hungry, just recently though in the past couple of days. I just can't seem to shove enough food down my throat. I try to fill it with water but it just won't stay still. I am constanly craving cold, moist, freshly processed deli meat, lot's of em. Like a sandwich with miracle whip, honey ham, summer sausage, smoked turkey, cucumbers, marble cheese, salt, and pepper. So delicious. But I feel soo guilty eating it on white bread.

I went to the doctor's this morning and I am exactly 5'6" and I am exactly 145 lbs, not 150. And I like having blood taken.

The doctor also encouraged me to eat more greens. But I can only eat so much in a day without being super full. This is a worry I am going to have next year, You have to make a decision, would you like to be skinny, or physically fit. Right now I lean more towards being fit, eating extra carbs before a soccer game and such. In september this will be more important 'cause you need brain food. Hopefully I'll be able to recognise that am not become obsessed with my wieght.

I told my doctor that I was heavy before I stepped on the scale and she immeadiatly disagreed, now that I think about she probably thinks that I have some sort of condition.

I love dill pickles. The really garlicy ones.

So I was on my way home from grand bend.. I actually went to st columbus today for soccer, but the car pool was in the bend. And I was drving by the pinery and almost hit a deer! But I didn't, which is a good thing 'cause I left my purse and licence at my friends house. And then I was driving down northville road and there was a car pulled over, being the caring country girl I am I pulled over. The man (who obviously was a dutch imigrant, or visitor) told me that his car had broken down and he was wondering if I could chase dow nhis brother who was about 3 km ahead of me towing a boat. I did. I sailed at 140 km/h on a low maintence highway. And then I pulled in front of him, put on my warning lights and slowed down. He pulled over, I told him about his brother and he was very grateful.

so I was waiting for my brother's girlfriend to leave for work because they were enjoying some time together in the pool and I didn't want to interupt. Not that they were making out or anything, just floating and talking, but being a girl I know when people like to be left alone. So I waited patiently and then my parents went out, then I decided to also. So we were quietly enjoying our afternoon and mydad had invited a friend and his family over later. I thought that I could get a quality swim in before they arrived.

Today my sister was doing the torch run for the summer games in London. So her best freinds' family went with her, and since they were droping her off they decided to take a dip also. With them they brought their good family freinds, which just so happens to be my former music teacher/conductor and his family. SO THEN, I went inside to prepare some food. I came out and my dad's freind had arrived. WE went from a simple visitor to a party of 25. Good thing I'm leaving. I'm not up for mr brennan's boat jokes.

So the rest of bayfest was not so good, except for a kid puking all over the stage, I loved that. And I was in a great mood, so apparently staying home and sleeping worked nicely.

The last two nights I slept in my clothes and then got up in the middle of the night to put my pyjamas on and brush my teeth. not good sleeps

So today I was really grumpy. I didn't even smile OR giggle all day. I don't think that this has ever happened before. I'm not sure what was bothering me really, And then I thought that is was because of this crazy situation with my best friend 'cause I'm keeping a secret from her. But that definatly wouldn't be enough to spoil my day. It may be lack of sleep. Although I gained an hour this morning because I woke up at 6:59 and worked at 7.. I called and said that I would be 15 min late. In the end I decided that it was because I haven't had chocolate in a while, so after work I went to the corner store and bought TWO chocolate bars (skor and twix.. the only ones worth buying) and ate them on the spot. This didnt' cure anything, but did they ever taste good! So I'm deciding it's lack of sleep. But I got home and the cat was sick, and that is really worrying me, so maybe the chocolate worked and then the cat brought me back down. I'm not sure. Anyways if I'm in a bad mood tomorrow I'm going to be so angry at myself, so if you talk to me and I'm not my peppy self, dont' take it personally, everyone is recieving the same treatment.

I went to collective soul last night and it was great. I saw one of the guys from western that I met on orientation day.. that was weird

My cat is sick,, in the head, I 'm am very worried and I'm not even a cat person. HE can't even walk

You know what they say about if you don't shave your legs you'll keep your pants on. This is not true. It's not like I never shave, it's just that I don't make a point of doing it, until this afternoon. I'm going to spend all the time I need to beautify myself because it doesn't make a difference when it all comes down to it. Maybe if I was more insecure it would have worked. Damn confidence always getting in the way.

Today I made my soccer game just before half because I was working, but I still managed to aquire two major bruises and a very very swore nose, not from the ball, from someone else's knee! I love soccer.

I never ever blog anymore. I feel so guilty. I have a night in tonight. This is great I don't one of these very often. I'm going to paint my toenails. something that should have been done ages ago but you have to be in more then ten minutes to do it. I think that the summer is going slow, but at the same time I don't have enough time in a week to finish what needs to get done. Three weeks ago my friend and I went out for supper and I told him that I'd take him out next time I have a chance, I am still waiting for that time. A very good friend from school that I met first semester and worked with for a while and we were inseprable. She called two days ago and I hvaen't even had a chance to return her call. Fortunately she called me at work today. GAHH and this is summer. In september I have almost as much class as I do work, and there are going to be soo many more people that I would like to spend time with, and one that I would like to spend lots of time with... Billy and I are going to unite the English students with the engineers, and not just the two of us, other people do. Things like this need time. Time that I don't have. I am scared. General science sounds so appealing right now.

My mom is a teacher and therefore has the summers off... my brothers, sister and I are all working full time this summer and she feel guilty becuase she sits at home poolside all the time.. Today she made a cake, chocolate cake. It is sinful I am one of those chocolate statistics I think, but I wouldn't really know 'cause I've never had sex so I don't know what's better

previously when I wrote two weeks. I meant to days... that's how much I miss my cucumber.. I work tomorrow though, I'll aquire some then

Today I spent my day off hanging out/babysitting a couple of five year old kids and my brother poolside. I got some nice sun. I was in the shade the whole time but it was just a light shade. I love my freckles.

Today I did not eat any cucumber. This is the first time in two weeks I haven't had a bite of cucumber every day, I really feel out of it. And I am having a hard time concentrating. But I highly doubt that has anything to do with the cucumber because it has next to no nutritional value.

I haven't gone to church in three weeks. Today my dad asked me and I didn't lie, I told him I didn't go. So as a result he took away my car and I can only use it for work purposes. Then I pouted for an hour and didn't talk to him and he told me if I go to church on tues morning I can have the car back. Seriously though, forcing me to go to church is not going to strengthen my faith, it's going to make it a chore.

So I don't do first impressions. I noticed this while training this girl at work. I am a very aggresive person and present myself as the person I am, not the person I should be.

Anyways. A faithful friend of mine informed me that my blogs are being misinterpreted. I am 18 years old. I am not a shy insecure person. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very outgoing and will talk to almost anyone. It doesn't matter who they are friends with or how they look like. MY FRIEND AND I ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS BECAUSE I AM NOT A SKANKY DRUNK! this does not mean that I sit at home and clip my toenails. I know how to have a good time, but all these things come in moderation. I people notice me all the time. This angers me that someone can create an opinion on how I am viewed by my schoolmates through my weblog. He has no idea.

Truthfully it sickens me because of the facts that he judged me on the few facts that he knew, and I am not an english major so maybe my story came off that way, but honestly. I'm going to find him on campus next year to prove him wrong. seriously I am a secure determined individual who is able to carry out her goals!

This weekend is riverfest, (this big thing under the bluewater bridge for those of you who don't like in sarnia) and my friend and I went both nights to the concerts withher sister. Last night was a good time. AND I GOT INTO THE DRINKING PART!!! with i.d. I've never even tried anything like that before. Tongiht it wasn't so much fun, I got in just fine. But after I got in I would have rather been denied. There were so many drunk old people there. Not to mention sleezy people. There were these two girls all skanked up popping out of every hole in their clothing and shoes! My friends and I decided to loeave early to beat the traffic since the entire city was there, and our feet were tired. Outside of the fenced off areas there were people sitting because either they didn't want to pay or they got denied because they stopped selling tickets. As we were leaving there were these girls sitting on the durb that I believed to be no older than 15, there were three of them under a street light so I couldn't see them too well. As we got close (because they were further down the path) I thought that I recognised on of the girls, someone my age that I wen tto school with. I thought that my eyes were playing tricks on me when I reaised that the person sitting beside here was a *friend* from highschool. (who *stole* my best friend) The last girl in the row of three was my ex-best friend, the *popular* one who bases her life on alcohol and looking hot. I swore on my life that those girls coudn't have been a day over 15, they could have even passed for 13. These girls who are no longer friends with me because I am too immature.
So after realising who these girls are, I turned my head and notfied my REAL best friend who they were, she took notice, and also continued to walk towards the car. As of tonight High school is officially over, along with all the bullshit friendships created in it.

I just blogged and was typing really fast when all of a sudden I pressed these buttons that select all and then hit the delete before I knew what was going on!!!!! that's okay it wasn't a good blog anyways.

I smell so bad like garlic. I had to work outside in the *field* this morning. I haven't done this since two summers ago when I didn't have a REAL summer job (apparently picking stones and raspberries aren't real jobs) so before working at sunripe has gotten me out of this situation and my sibiling would do it.l BUt today my sister is running, and she has a jon at an orchard, my brother is in summer school, and he has a job at the gorcery store, and Carson is working and refuses to do any work because he pays rent. Which is no excuse, 'casue anyone who is 20 and has enough money to move out and constantly complains about living at home, therefore willing living there, should pay rent, AND do all the other chores just like anyone else. If he didn't complain, I don't think that he should pay rent. but seriously, $50 a week... he makes like 500!!!

SO today a good friend of mine started a blog page. I'm not exaclty sure if he is a good freind though, a new friend definatly, a good friend of mine, almost, but a best friend of my best friend, who is a girl, so I feel like I know a lot about him. Anyways I'm sure we'll be good freinds soon 'cause we're going to unite english students with engineers in the fall 'cause we are both going to western. Hopefully I'll have to time to have a good time.

So I cleaned out my room today and moved almost all of my stuff into my sister's room, but out of habit I guess I still walk upstairs into my bedroom, stand there for a minute until I realise that it isn't really my bedroom anymore, just a room with an unmade bed (I switched matresses) and empty walls. It is so sad, not only 'cause it isn't my room anymore, but it is a really ugly matress and the wall paper is 22 years old. So anyways, I was boxing up my stuff that I really won't need the next for years, and then giving away a *few* things, (just a stuffed parrot, but I think that I'm going to convince my mom I still need it). Yes, and while I was doing this I sorted out my pictures, and there were a lot of my ex-best friend, and I realised how much I changed over the past 10 months. I also realised why. Kevan Gentle. Seriously, that boy changed me, it could have been because he was my outside link and anyone in toronto could have had the same effect, or it could be because of the person he is. I seriously didn't know that people like him existed in this world, he is a great guy, or at least what I know of him. I miss him. Not crying all day pouting miss him, but no one compares to him I am searching for him in everyone sort of miss him. I hope that there were more people like Kevan Gentle in this world and that I meet one of them someday. That would make me a very content person.

so this weekend was hectic. I was able to aquire 5 hours of sleep in two nights. I should really stop drinking, seriously.

last night was a forced blog, there were a pile of boys around putting words into my head, causing another disturbing message. Sorry you had to see that.

my firend has a parrtt yan d tyere werre a bunch of boysw there.. that ;s toobad theaat we don't have too mayny gierl firnenidnd that a'ts too bad. theat wearen't lesbiansd. I mean that we aren't lesbians.. greg is whaty tro say.. I like sendalstu l floss.. that aoihjslkdj you ar3 dubsdun that at you oare thuinkg that ouyoduud g;ahd. kjlhdf slkhh ptelling my gwaxz there are xo many p[eople her eright ow.. so anye3awys f

I have this huge thing for cucumbers now. I eat them on everything. today for lunch I had Lifestyle Jumbo summer sausage with cream chesse and cucumber, it was excellent. and then I had salmon, relich, miracle whip, marble cheese, cucumber and german salami on white bread. I was equally as awsome. Anyways.. my little brother informs me that subway now has cucumbers to put on your sandwiches. They are such a multi-purpose vegtable. This new girl at work doesn't like them. I don't understand how you couldn't they are just crunchy water, and the skin has a bit of flavour, honestly if you haven't eaten cucumbers in a while I suggest you give them a chance, I suggest the english cucumber, it is a bit large therfore you have to slice fewer pieces.. and the skin is nice and smooth.

I can't be modest, you have to admit. I look very cute in an oversized soccer uniform with my hair up in messy buns, with contacts and my *pure* face (no make-up, also means blond eyelashes) of course I look like I'm an oversized 7 years old. But I guess some people are into that.

Soccer is great fun, but honestly, I thrive off injuries, which eventually leads to me staying up this late icing my entire left lower leg and upper right. It hurts to drive 'cause you have to semi-flex your muscle to hold down the gas peddle.

I don't think that I can handle the next 61 days without talking to my new found friends. This is going to be very hard. I am so excited to leave, not because I want to leave home, but because I want to go to university. Today my mother found her old Western shirt in her closet and gave it to me. It's great

oh.. and my friend sent me this link.. I don't agree with most uses for the internet, but somehow I find this to be the most corrupt.

Today I officially became a Western student. I am so excited. I met three people today, actually I met a few more than three, but I made three new friends today. Two boys that are going to live at home next year, and a girl from Whitby. They all seem great, and they all copied my time table so that ALL of our classes are together. They seem like great people, and on guy is tall, plays sports, wants to be a bio-chemical engineer, and isn't bad looking. And he wore mod-robes and a hooded sweatshirt today which, to me, means that he doesn't care for material posessions too much. ahh.. I mean, I'm going to school to get an education.

Wow... I knew that I blogged last night but honestly. I wasn't hungover real bad this morning, so I guess that I didn't learn my lesson because I worked all day sun, got home sun night at 5 and then went to work today at 9... meh. 3 hours of sleep would be sufficient but I'm going for orientation for western tomorrow, so I'm going to bed like.. now

by the way.. sorry about your sink bill.

I wish tha iWs gonig back to camp // my siter makes me jealous

so canada day was fun, today I am aat bill's house bloging why? beacuse I wam too dfrunk to realsoie swhat I am doing, soroy if this doesnlt mkae wsbnes this we4illi be mhy fistrsta drunk blidit had great bogls, I wich kevcan didn't go to camp,. and iof he did he would have left my reference as his last blog... if I drink all the time next yea5r I am going to be in graet t rouble.. I Think that I drank somle of my f riends drinks but I\'M not sure, an dI' nmight have toucvhed my freinds' penis ,,, but I'm not sure about that either.. talk to you when this makes more sense. byut ebyte,,,, n,llove your regular bloogeer annd..

ps// I ghjhop egtat ?I don't drink anyomre./. bnefcaue I woprkedc tomorrow and O rat6in someone .. and I tonpop ethat this makes sne s abeacye I can't read the seeren.... foosd luck to me.. .love me...